Sunlight
by Ten Past Twelve
Summary: What do we get when Edward becomes a heroin addict, we give Bella autism and Jacob some form of ADHD? The stupidest parody of Twilight ever.
1. A Vague Summary

**Sunlight**

**A Twilight Parody**

**After starting the pit of randomness that is Nightmares, I decided to start another vampire fic! This one with a slightly more humorous take on things.**

**Needless to say, Nicole will **not** be involved in this one.**

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About three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, there wasa part of him- and I didn't know how dominant that part might be- that thirsted for my blood.

And third, his breath smelled like garlic. How did _that_ work?

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Welcome to Sunlight, the comedic rewrite of one of this century's more influential books, _Twilight_. But this is no supernatural romance. Instead, take out your caffeine and sugar and prepare for an idiotic journey of laughs, roosters, and walls falling off cliffs. Prepare for the funniest trip down Laughing Lane ever, and remember this one important detail.

Why _does_ Edward's breath smell like garlic in _Sunlight_? Hell if I know.


	2. First Fight

**Sunlight**

**A Twilight Parody**

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I banged my head on the rain-splattered cruiser window for the eighty billionth time. Why was I sentencing myself to some soggy quagmire in the middle of nowhere again?

Right, because Stephenie made me.

Sucks to live in a book. Seriously.

Where was I? Right, I was complaining about how wet the damn place was called. Come to think of it, I'd forgotten the town's name again. What was it called? Spoons?

"No, Bella, it's called Forks."

"Shut it, Edward. You don't appear until Chapter Two," I snapped at him. "In any case, you can't read my mind."

"Sure, sure."

"And now you're speaking like Jacob? What has the world come to?"

"Bells, I _am_ Jacob." I blanched, shocked. I sure didn't see _that_ one coming.

"Just go, willya?"

0

After I'd gotten rid of the transforming phantom from the near future, Charlie- my divorced father- decided that to express his happiness at having me over for almost a year, he'd talk incessantly and without pause. In other words, he wouldn't shut up.

"Yes, I know, I'm somehow glad to be living with you too. _Now_ will you-" He totally ignored me, blabbering on and on about the weather and other random tidbits that were totally irrelevant. The lush greenery outside seemed come to the same conclusion as me (that he _had_ to shut the hell up) and a low-hanging branch surreptitiously smashed straight through the front seat window and plucked my (now screaming) dad from his spot at the steering wheel. I almost got up and cheered, but my victory was short-lived. The steering wheel had been pulled out with my dad.

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Still recovering from the surprise of a policeman-picking plant (like the alliteration?), I failed to notice the fact that a brick had found it's way on to the acceleration pedal until I saw the wall.

The wall that was magically rushing to me at several times the speed of sound.

"Aaaaaaaah!" I yelled, grabbing on to the head of the seat Charlie had once occupied to avoid being hurled backwards through the rear window by the unruly forces of physics. Now that I looked, I saw that the drenched foliage outside was streaking past the window faster than Speedy Gonzalas on a sugar high. In fact, I was going so damn fast that I had a sudden urge to puke. I fought it down though. Assuming Charlie ever managed to escape from the evil tree, he would _not_ like to come home to a vomit-filled car and several litres of the same stuffed into a garbage bag. So yeah.

As my deceased dad's doomed Daimler drove down to that damn divider between a duo of depositories, I decided that disintegration on a deadly wall wasn't such a downer after all. Of course, just as I was accepting my fate, someone had to dash it on some wall. Figuratively, of course, since my fate was supposed to be death by collision into wall and if my saviour had- forget it.

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I rolled over on the floor, spat out some more grass, and asked him again.

"Who the screw are you?"

"Sorry, but that's confidential, Bells."

"Only three people on the planet have called me Bells and survived. One of them's just been dragged away by a _tree_, one of them is in Florida right now, and the other one is- wait, this _is_ Spoons. So you must be Jackass!"

"Jacob, Bella. My name is Jacob." said the Quileute teenager quietly. "And this is Forks."

"Er... right. So how _did_ you become a wolf before it was meant to happen?"

"Bella, you're forgetting. This is a parody, and so anything can happen."

"So then I _can_ call you Jackass!" I said, glad and ignoring the fact that he was a damn werewolf.

"Except for that," he finished lamely. "Except for that."

Once again ignoring him, I stood up and punched him in the stomach.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"For not saving me sooner!" I spat, suddenly angry despite my gratitude at him saving me.

"Huh? I thought you were going to go on about me not rescuing your dead dad."

"Oh. Yeah, and that!" Then I punched him again.

He nodded sagely. "This might be a bit longer than the original."

0

An unspecified amount of time later, I managed to drag myself to Charlie's hovel, a magnificent two-story mansion with peacocks in the front garden. As I staggered down the driveway, I grabbed a peacock by the neck and strangled it to death, figuring that I could cook it for dinner. Or whatever these barbarians here had at this time. I stopped at the front door, realising that I didn't have the key- that had been dragged away along with the rest of my dad's valuables. However, that problem was easily remedied, and I lifted the carcass of the chicken-like animal over my head experimentally before bringing it crashing down on the thick planks of would that served as my father's door.

Seeing as peacock flesh isn't exactly the most sturdy around, and that that was one hard door, it bounced and hit me in the face.

"Stupid door!" I wasn't one to take crap from a piece of wood, and I made that clear by picking up a potted plant outside and, wielding it like an axe, I smashed through the door with it. Well, that was the plan anyways. Instead, what happened involved a large raven and something shiny.

"Oi! Give me back my watch, you stupid owl!" The black bird ignored me and examined it's new finery from the sanctuary of a nearby tree. "When I finally get in to this house, the first thing I'll do is chop down every single tree in an eight-mile radius. Even the one that ate Dad."

"Hey! Are you sure it's a good idea to break into that house?" shouted some random dude from the gate. "That's the chief's place, you know!"

"It's okay, I'm his daughter." As I said those words, the guy's eyes narrowed.

"He's dead, he's dead! I saw him get thrown out of his cruiser by a tree!" He didn't buy it, and cawed like a crow, and suddenly the whole place was swarming with swamp-born hicks armed with baseball bats and telephone cords. Guess not even _this_ soaked sponge was safe from the advent of modernisation. At least there were no pitchforks or burning torches. But then again, it would be pretty hard to light a wooden stick in this cesspit.

"Guys, get her!" Nobody moved. "Guys? Come on, she's not even armed! It'll be a cinch!"

"Yeah, but she's the daughter of the Chief! What if he gets angry and jails us for another twenty minutes," piped up a guy of about seventeen, and other members of the mob murmured their agreement.

"We outnumber him fifty to one!"

"Not if he gets a bunch of officers to support him. And they have _guns_!" shouted the seventeen-year-old in reply. Once again, movement erupted among the assorted teens, although now there were shivers of revulsion. They'd use telephone cords as garottes but not guns. Go figure.

As I was mentally scorning the small army, a _thing_ lurched up to us and roared ferociously.

"Er... why is Edward moaning like a dead old woman?"

"Beats me," I said, despite the fact that I didn't even know the weirdo and that he could have done this every day, for all I knew.

The first guy I saw, who I guessed was the ringleader, seemed to remember why everyone was out here in the feared Chief's front yard. "Hey, she's still here! Ha, take that, Eddie! Your distraction failed!"

"Distraction? What?"

"Get her!" roared the ringleader by way of explanation. This time, though, there was no hesitation. As one, the barbarians converged on me, screaming curses.

Then I realised that they weren't trying to kill me, unless you count getting shoved to the ghost of your dead dad as murder. I know I do. The phantom Charlie floated towards me, even as the teen army threw themselves at the walls of his house like animals.

"We're dead!"

"We'll never make it!"

"He's a ghost again!" At that point I fainted.

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"So we're seriously deviating from the original here in that Charlie is a vampire. Somehow."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but yeah, your dad's a vampire."

"That sucks."

"What? Why?" asked Jackass, confused.

I rolled my eyes exaggeratedly. "Have you tried to stay up late when your dad has super-hearing?"

"Ah." I nodded and turned to my dad, who had his head stuck in the ground. "What's he doing?"

"I though _you_ were the magical werewolf."

"It's not magic, it's biology," he corrected me.

"How many biology tests have you aced?"

A frown crossed his ugly mug. "None."

"Exactly. So, what's he doing? And where's that idiot Edward?"

"Aren't you grateful?"

My eyes narrowed. "Should I be grateful?"

"Uh, er, no! Of course not! Just asking, heh heh heh..." As Jacob stuttered unconvincingly, he edged towards the door, ready to make a mad dash for freedom.

"Get back here."

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After I tried to beat Jacob to a pulp and instead broke my fist, I decided to go to bed. Strangely, my usual insomnia had subsided, and I was asleep before I hit the pillow.

The next morning, I had to drink seventeen cups of coffee before my dad deemed me fit to drive. I was as grumpy as a groaning corpse on weed, and that was saying something.

"Get to school, Bella!" The other strange thing was that despite being a vampire, Charlie didn't look any hotter or cooler than normal. And Edward looked like he was high. I grumbled a reply, and stumbled to a shiny silver Volvo that had a large plaster on it saying 'made in China'. I tore it off and fell into the car.

Luckily, the key was in the ignition, so I turned it and suddenly had to scream. A face had popped out of the steering wheel.

"Don't worry, young lady! I shall protect you from harm! Where is it?" I cowered in the driver's seat, pressing myself into the luxurious velvet. Maybe if it couldn't see me, it would go away. "Excuse me, but could you turn me around? I must face my foe!" Ignoring him, I tore out of the vehicle and decided to watch the scene from a safe distance. Read 'from the window'. The steering wheel face had caught sight of something, and now he too was screaming in mindless fear. Curious, I followed his line of vision, and realised that he was looking at his reflection. This was going to take a while.

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**Okay, I admit that it's stupid. A brief warning to you all; Bella has not heard of Edward in the next chapter. Negative Continuity is required. That is all.**


End file.
